Did you catch Heather Locklear's mug shots? She was arrested last weekend on suspicion of driving under the influence of prescription medication. Last June she checked herself into rehab and will probably face a custody battle with ex-husband Richie Sambora, even though he's been busted himself for similar charges.

Hard to believe sometimes that there are children involved in the bizarre lives of these high-profile Hollywood morons.  How do they function? Your guess is as good as mine.

Consider if you were a little tyke and had to call the following freaky Hollywood mothers, uh, "Mommy":

Britney or Jamie Lynn Spears:  Oh yeah, here's a couple of real role models for kids. One who can't keep her pants on and the other who - hey, wait a minute, she seems to have the same problem as her big sis (just from a different 'angle' of the 'dangle', if you know what I mean).  I can't imagine any kid not wanting to hide and cringe when one of these loony tunes comes to school, y'all. 

Pamela Anderson:   Like this one even requires an explanation.  Forget about how skanky she is in general. (She has, after all, slept with the likes of Kid Rock and sleazy skeezicks, Tommy Loser.)  Just the idea that two innocent human beings crawled out of her and are being parented by this brainless piece of ass should bring tears to your eyes. 

Katie Holmes:  Now, here's an actress who actually had a running start at a quality life in Hollywood before she sold her soul in a lucrative pre-nup to freak-of-nature-reputed-closet-gay-boy Tom Cruise and had her brain extracted in order to become Scientolo-stupid.  Think back to her Dawson's Creek days. Who wouldn't have wanted Joey Potter to be their mom one day? Poor Suri will just never know...sigh. 

Denise Richards:  Girls, can you say, "Mommy is a loud-mouthed, dick-crazy media whore who can't get a decent man and will do anything, including pimp us out on TV, just to make a few bucks for herself?" 

Very good, Sam and Lola. Go to the head of your pity class.

Jenna Jameson:  Yup, uh-huh, this is some real mother material here. And to think this well-visited sperm receptacle is reportedly expecting twins.  Apparently, it isn't bad enough that she qualifies as one of the biggest porno sleaze queens on the planet, but she has a face that looks like an old vagina, too.  Pity the little people who will call this "Cum One Cum All"  -ahem- hoover-matic headliner, "Mommy Dearest."

Nicole Ritchie:   Heroin addiction and subsequent eating disorder will be a shadow forever hanging over this Hollywood Brat's head (not to mention some death-defying driving skills while under the influence). But hey, as long as she's happy having her very own Cabbage Patch doll to play with, who cares how great her parenting skills will be, right? Check back with little Harlow Winter Kate Madden in a few years to see if she's following in Mommy's shoes.

Victoria Beckham:  When have you ever seen this wench out with her children and smiling? Never. When have you ever seen her out with her husband smiling? Never.  Let's face it, the only one she loves is...well...Victoria Beckham. The kids, the husband - shoot, they are only props for this empty-headed-do-nothing-to- be-proud-of scrawny clothes horse. She's ugly, too. 

  And my Number One pick for the worst celebrity mother...<drum roll>....:

Angelina Jolie:   Yes, that's right, Hollywood's Reigning Mother Teresa of the world's pint-sized unfortunate.

Except that isn't what she is at all. There is nothing admirable nor the least bit inspiring about the way this woman collects children from around the world, plucking them up on a whim from their impoverished upbringings and thrusting them into the decadently rich spotlight of celebrity.

As far as I'm concerned, these out-of-country adoptions that she and Brad Pitt entertain are like Dresden porcelain figurines collected for their own personal amusement. If this were not so, she would instead adopt children from her own country and keep her attention focused on the plight of the poor right here,

Yes, she's given birth to their own biological children.  And they'll be normal due to the homelife they'll receive from a - what is she now? - oh that's right...an artist who dabbles in parenting.  I can't imagine her own offspring will think any more kindly of these "Dresden dollies" in their midst who should be raised by their own country's culture and members of their own villages than they do their own plasticine play things.

If you don't agree, here's a good contender for First Place: Sharon Stone .

Just a few quick items as I am off for a week to the Embroiderer's Guild of America Inc . National Seminar and 50^th Anniversary celebration. Go to their website and look at all the stuff going on.  If you do any stitchery, you are most welcome to join.

So my friend brought me some lovely crookneck gourds. They look like swans in the water - - one is stretching up high, the other is turned demurely around. I decided to paint them white and add a little bling. 

For each gourd, I glued some rick-rack onto a half moon shaped piece of fabric and tied it around the neck. It looks like a little cape. I glued eyes onto the spots I thought would be good and ta-dah, hearth decorations.

The paint dried while I was rummaging for the rickrack. The eyes dried while the rickrack dried.  This is a good project for kids.   Just check under the "swan" every few days as there could be some rot eventually. Then into the trash, or compost pile, saving the "cape" for next year!!

Just in time for school (aaarrrrgggghhhh).  How about a pencil holder, recycling a soup can?   Wash the can and take off the label.  I use pliers to crimp down any nasty edges.

Paint, or glue and roll in glitter. When dry, there you are with a nice custom pencil and pen holder.  The kids can make these as gifts for later in the year.

This project can also be done at sea and on deployment by bored military personnel.

One more, then I have to go.

Nice fall table runner.  Don't sew? Don't worry.  Buy some fall fabric the length of your table plus maybe a foot on each end. (Probably 2 yards). Any fabric will do, you won't wash it or wear it (most likely).

Lay it upside down on your table one layer, nice and flat. Fold one side into the center, and then fold the other side into the center to meet (or not quite meet) the other edge. (Kind of like towels in boot camp, eh?)  Hand press the folds on the outer edges. 

Big trick here:  from one end, roll evenly about half way up the table. Now you have a good grip and the cloth will say folded.  You can flip the entire package to put the right side up and the edges underneath.

Maybe flip is the wrong word - - slide the flat and the roll to the edge of the table and lift the roll up.  Then slowly rotate the roll until the right side of the fabric is where you want it and the edges that meet are going to lay on the table.  Gently lay it all down, making sure the edges stay together.  You'll figure it out as you do it.  Unroll the half and center the cloth on your table. Enjoy.

If you are very nervous about the edges staying put, you can use a glue stick to hold them into place.  Sometimes, tho, glue sticks collect dirt faster than the rest of the fabric, just a warning.  Then you can roll the entire thing up for next year. And maybe make another one in a different style of fabric. 

You could do one a month or something like that.  Let me know what kind of fabric you use.

See you!

Carin